Sometimes when you get a new job, you find out all kinds of things that weren’t in the job description, but still manage to find their way into your work. This is also the case with motherhood. You’ve probably heard you’ll be sleep deprived when the baby’s little. And you figure you’ll have to change some diapers. You might even be smart enough to realize that at some point you’re going to watch more than your fair share of things like Dora, Elmo, or the Wiggles. Here are a few random things that I somehow missed in the job description:
- Psychologist: Is Ella actually upset about this teddy bear not being hers, or is this about something else altogether? Is Natalie really that upset about the dog we barely knew, or is she just tired?
- Repair services: Stuffed animals, jewelry, books, projects – anything that gets broken I need to fix. This may involve, but is not limited to, sewing, gluing, tying, and threading.
- Short order cook: Now. You can spare me your lectures. I know full well this is a mess I have gotten myself into because I chose other battles. We’re just not talking about it, ok?
- Specialized cleaning services: Have you ever taken a good look at a toddler’s high chair? Don’t. Especially not mine. And the marker and glitter glue that you have to get out of laundry. Sheesh. Not to mention the cleaning that illness can bring.
- Mediation: I have girls. Two years apart. Enough said.
- Doctor: It’s not just first aid. There’s also the first aid that you don’t really need. Fine, use a bandaid. But you don’t really need it. There’s also mysterious stomachaches. Too much food? Too little? Dehydration? Too much sugar? Could it be a sinus related issue? Do you need to poop? (Please click that link. You’ll be so happy.) Then there’s the figuring out what medicine to use. Is it a dry cough? Is your nose stuffy too? Is there gunk in your throat? Allergies or cold? Choose wisely, because it’s anywhere from 4 – 24 hours til you can try something else. Is that a rash? Dry skin? Eczema? Are your eyes pink because you’re tired or because you have pinkeye? Does your throat hurt because the air is dry, or because you have strep?
- Special Investigations: Missing blanket? Missing stuffed animal? Missing pacifier? Missing homework? It’s all on you. And you’ve got 3 minutes, because it’s bedtime and things are about to get ugly.
- Homework Assistant: Good gracious my children have a lot of homework. Some of it is daily. Some of it is due in three weeks. You need to help keep track of it and be ready to assist on any matter of problems. Multiplication? Quadrilaterals? Scalene triangles? I am so thankful to be parenting in the age of google.
- Social Agent: Setting up activities and playdates, and keeping everyone’s calendar straight. This includes half days of school, no school days, special events, and things like haircuts.
After that, there’s a whole bunch of miscellaneous stuff that’s probably just mine:
- Eater of the chips no one else likes: Bought a variety pack of chips? You’d best believe there’s a kind no one else will eat, so that’s what you’ll have.
- Eater of cold food: Yes. It’s your job to make sure everyone else is happy and ready to eat before you eat. Which inevitably means your next hot meal is coming somewhere around 7 years after your last child was born.
- Nail technician: I don’t think Captain America has ever cut a nail. I’ve done all the nail cutting forever. And, of course, any nail painting has been mine to do. I try to do my best in that department – Ella had candy corn nails at Halloween.
- Craft supplier: It takes a lot to keep these crafty girls going.
Also, if aliens abducted me tomorrow, it’s possible that my children would never:
- Brush their hair or teeth again.
- Put on clean underwear.
- Study spelling.
- Bring snowpants to school.
So. Is there anything I missed? Something you didn’t realize you’d be doing? Something your mom did that you’d bet she never thought about before she had kids?